Is Your Anxiety The problem? Why Getting Rid Of Your Anxiety Isn’t The Answer:

When people start to have anxiety problems they usually believe that anxiety itself is a problem. When anxiety becomes the focus of attention people overlook the actual fear or fears that create anxiety in the first place. The problem with this is that it often fails to activate problem solving, because the anxiety creates distractions from addressing the actual situation that is being avoided. People can successfully avoid treatment for panic by focusing on being anxious about being anxious, which ironically tends to generate more panic and amplify the belief that anxiety is indeed the problem. In some circumstances, because people have tried to get rid of their anxiety unsuccessfully, they believe that nothing can be done for their anxiety. Sometimes people get angry when anxiety treatments are presented as options, because they don’t want to be invalidated for their efforts to get rid of anxiety.

People have anxiety about all sorts of things: Losing people they love, sickness or illness, death; threats of losing power, status, money; being in situations that threaten physical integrity or safety, being humiliated or shamed in public, being verbally attacked, being fired, or loss. In a given situation coping well with these situations means incorporating some degree of acceptance, acknowledgement, and sadness. It also might activate problem solving, fixing, or making changes to prevent these things from happening in the future. This is what normal people do in normal situations, and creates understandable, realistic, and adaptive ways of coping. Community supports, problem solving, religious institutions, family, and other means of coming together helps people to naturally solve painful life circumstances and problems.

People that have a lot of problems with anxiety generally tend to have problems identifying and responding to the actual thing that makes them anxious. If you are afraid of having conflict, and then you tend to avoid people when conflict is present, and then you have anxiety because you have conflict, and then you blame your anxiety, and then you try to get treatment for your anxiety, you can create ways to avoid addressing the actual problem. For example, treating anxiety with relaxation techniques without actually looking at what it is about the conflict, exactly, that is making you so anxious evades problem solving. When “the problem” becomes “the anxiety” most people’s solutions are to get rid of how they feel, not to figure out how to deal with conflict. If you could figure out how to respond to conflict adaptively, chances are your anxiety will naturally go down.

You can’t address emotional problems by failing to identify the thing that evokes the emotion in the first place. Here are some brief questions to help you figure out your anxiety:

What is it about this situation that you are actually afraid of? What is the actual threat?

What is the realistic likelihood of this actually happening?

If you had to approach what you are afraid of, what uncomfortable sensations, emotions, or experiences would you have to be willing to tolerate?

If what you are afraid of is actually happening, how would you approach this situation effectively?

What is one adaptive, problem solving step that you could take?

What can you do to validate the pain or difficulty of this situation to yourself?

Tolerating Uncertainty in Uncertain Times: Values, Anxiety, And Willingness In The Era Of The Coronavirus

In this pandemic, many people’s lives have been disrupted in ways they never imagined. People are struggling with losses, lack of structure, difficulty with motivation, changes in schedule, computer fatigue, lack of ability to control things, feeling restricted and limited in what they can do, and being told what to do by governmental authorities. Anxiety prevails when times are uncertain, time frames are not set, and no one knows what it will mean for “things to go back to normal.” People usually cope better when they have a clear answer as to when the stress and restrictions will end; as they can predict and control how long they will have to tolerate what may not feel tolerable. The not knowing is the challenge.

Sitting with uncertainty is often a major part of adaptive coping. Often when people feel out of control they behave in ways that produce an illusion of having more control, including trying to be more controlling themselves. Anxiety behavior tends to be restricting, rigid, and inflexible. Some pick fights with people they love. Some try to micro-manage the people around them. Some yell, lash out, or escalate. Some people withdraw, sleep, or restrict their interactions with others. Some stop reaching out to friends or people they love. Some avoid getting things done or move forward. Some drink alcohol or use marijuana in excess. Others cope by antagonism or rebellion, externalizing blame to authority figures who can’t make this end, either.

In an era of a pandemic, there is no immediate quick fix. No one knows what will happen, who will contract the virus, and who will be taken by the virus. No one can cheat death. Here are some things to keep in mind in the era of uncertainty:

-Anxiety behaviors are not a way to obtain certainty. People often have their own “personal fix” of what they do when they are stressed. Some of this has some sense of normalcy and is not harmful, such as sleeping a bit more or eating more chocolate. However, some anxiety behaviors have hurtful outcomes. What is your anxiety behavior when stressed, and does it actually control the outcome of when the pandemic will “end”?

-Be willing to accept the discomfort of uncertainty. In the face of uncertainty, people have found ways to cope well. Find the ways in which people are coping well and see what you can do to manage stress and anxiety without making it worse. Reach out and ask what other people are doing with boredom, fatigue, work-life changes, and other related stressors. Find the news, heroes, and people who have survived great life challenges well. Once you accept what you can not control, your anxiety may not disappear but it will go down. Trying to control what you can not control makes it worse.

-Keep in mind your values. What is important to and who is important to you and why? What does this tell you about your spiritual values, who/ what to trust, and who you rely on when you are having a hard time? A willingness to yield control often means finding more trust in community. People are rediscovering lost values as limits are being placed on them, and finding new ways and means of connecting to family and loved ones. Keep asking and looking people for the silver lining, the unseen benefit, or the ways that people are enhancing their sense of connection.

-Do your part. If you have something to offer at this time, consider the benefit or value of what you can do for others. Often contributing is a way to distract from our own anxiety and involves universal benefit. Donate to a food drive, reach out to neighbors, do errands for someone who is quarantined, pick up trash in a nearby park or bike path, give blood, make masks, cook or bake for family members, repair something that is broken, join a neighborhood volunteer task force, or start online Zoom socials.

Why Your Psych Meds Aren’t Working- A Bitter Pill To Swallow?

Psychiatric meds actually do work, and they very well may be working. Psychiatric medications have helped numerous people with many different things, including nightmares, anxiety, symptoms of bulimia, public speaking, mood regulation, paranoid thoughts, and depression.

However, there is one thing that medications will never do, and that is get rid of emotions. Emotions are hard wired, biologically adaptive responses to situations that help people survive. They give people important information about threatening situations and painful circumstances. The allow people to know what matters, what to hold close, what to pursue, what risks to take, and what to avoid. Without emotions we would not have important information about ourselves, our circumstances, our environment, and other people.

People have tried numerous and unsuccessful things to get rid of emotions. This might include drinking, drug use, numbing out, hurting oneself, picking fights, avoiding, sleeping, dominating a conversation, being coercive, smoking marijuana, or being violent. The simple truth is, emotions can’t be eliminated. If they are temporarily eliminated, they come back.

Some people don’t like their emotions because their emotions show up when other people tell them what to do, how to think, how to feel, or how to react. Thus they minimize or inhibit their emotions in these situations because they are trying super hard to fit in, avoid conflict, live up to someone’s standards, please a parent, or survive in their environment. However, this can lead to a very unhappy life and can be very painful.

Sometimes people are very sensitive to emotions, thus they tend to have strong reactions to things that may, to others, not seem like that big of a deal. While this can lead to bigger, out-of-control emotional problems, it is also important to learn how to discern when a threat is actually a threat, vs. when a person develops a fear or phobia about something that is not a threat.

Emotions are often related to eccentric, atypical, or problematic behavior. If you have a behavior that you are trying to stop doing, just consider if not doing that behavior brings up any discomfort, anxiety, or restlessness for you. Asking people to stop doing behaviors such as self-harm, drinking, escalating an argument, threatening suicide, doing a behavior excessively or repetitively, or picking a fight is quite hard. The benefits if these behaviors can sometimes include getting a point across, expressing an emotion, getting taken seriously, reducing anxiety, or getting another to be validating or affirming. Sometimes significant others don’t react at all until another person escalates or flips out, which makes the problem behavior even harder to stop. (After all, it worked!).

If you think your psych meds aren’t working it may be worth asking yourself: What feelings do you have that are intolerable? What do you think your feelings might be telling you? What feelings do you try to ignore? What feelings are trying to get your attention? How willing are you to bear with some of the discomfort of what is going on for you? If you honored your feelings and what they were telling you, what sort of action would you take?

Understanding, naming, managing, and controlling moods are a lot of work. Thankfully, there is are services available that are focused on doing just that- and aren’t focused on dosages or prescriptions. While meds do wonders for people- they are not, thank goodness, the only way of helping a person solve emotional problems. In fact, the entire basis of the group services that I provide help people with all of this- managing mood, understanding emotions, listening to one’s wisdom, and taking necessary steps to tolerate feelings better. Getting rid of what you feel is just not an effective long term strategy for solving emotional problems.

Why Teenagers Need Social Groups More Than Anything: The Internet Addiction Is Not Helping Mental Health

This past week I had the privilege of attending a conference on technology and mental health by social worker Ozgur Akbas, LMFT. Ozgur presented some compelling date in terms of technology and mental health. In general, people that have difficulties with technology generally spend a lot of lot of time alone with a phone or computer, are defensive and unaware of the impact of their use of technology, prefer time spent with their devices over time spent with others, lose interest in other activities, become moody, socially isolated, and irritable; and have problems with school or work.

One of the big issues around social media also has to do with its accessible use of pornography, the ability to have phone sex/ send nude photos, and the trend creating unrealistic (online) expectations about body image and relationships. In general, Ozgur presented data that shows us that our youth are having much less sex. In the past, only 2-3% of the population showed problems with erectile dysfunction, while after 2008 that number has increased to 26%. More and more people are relying on “safe” ways of interacting that don’t involve risk, intimacy, putting oneself out there, and developing social and dating skills. In essence, our increased reliance on technology has decreased our competence at being able to relate with authenticity and visibility. The socially anxious person has found more places to hide, and their disappearance makes it almost like they don’t even exist. Imagine that!

Problematic use of technology can fill a short term need and provide short term, temporary relief; yet create long term problems- sleep being one of them. Companies, designers, gamers, marketing agencies, and yes- even neuroscientists are part of a burgeoning market of keeping your kids’ attention for as long as possible. Consistent high arousal increases blood pressure, dilates pupils, induces sweaty palms, increases the flight or flight response, and creates problems in a person’s ability to regulate emotion. Persons who have difficulty “turning it off” or regulating arousal are at risk for being wired all the time and thus having problems with attention, aggressiveness, or moody behavior. Therefore, any number of diagnosis (ADHD, ADD, social anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Mood Disorders, Anxiety Disorders, and even Psychotic Disorders) may show up when technology use becomes a problem- and can be easily treated with the treatment of problematic technology use!

Group therapy puts teenagers in a social situation where technology can’t be relied on to solve social problems. Groups offered in my practice focus on building group cohesion, which means looking for and finding what members have in common. In some cases it means creating a space for abrupt disclosures, tearfulness, honesty, sharing struggles, and openness. This means staying in the room with all emotions -both easy and hard- and struggling at times with knowing what to say, how to say it, or what (if anything) should be said at all. What social media can’t do for your teens is to help them safely navigate tolerate feeling awkward or uncertain. This great and wonderful developmental task is a significant part of risk and survival. How else do teens build self-respect, find integrity, and “show up” with all of their emotions? If it is easier to ghost someone, what is the value in learning how to end a relationship with grace, to bow out on a situation you don’t want to be in, or to speak up and assert oneself? In my groups the commitment is to do the work, show up regularly, give and and receive feedback (even when it is hard!). Most important, when technology takes away our teens’ ability to grow and develop, they stop growing. Group services can help teens continue to grow in real life situations with real life problems- with real people and with real pain.

Is Technology Affecting Your Mental Health? Top Suggestions For Treating Internet Addiction Use In Your Household (Recent tips from conference by Ozgur Akbas, LMFT)

1) Examine the relationship with social media screen time among the adults. In way what way does your use of technology set a standard or norm at home? Tests for internet addictions include Young’s Internet Addiction Test (IAT) http://huibee.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/GLOBALADDICTION-Scales-InternetAddictionTest.pdf

2) Ozgur presented three determinants of Self-Development theory to take into consideration when considering the impact of technology use: 1) Autonomy- how much are you (or your teen) in control 2) Relational- how capable are you (or your teen) able to form social bonds in life, and 3) How effective are you (or your teen) at being able to effectively deal with environment/ challenges (ie work, school, stress, life?)

3) Create technology free times and places. Technology free zones might be mealtime, a set period of time before bed, overnight, shower time, homework time, family time, outdoor time, exercise time, or other times of day in which no screen time is permitted. Technology free zones may include certain places in the house such as the bedroom.

4) Turn off push notifications, simplify your home screen, use only what you need, go grayscale, and use settings to decrease accessibility to blue light after sunset (Nightshift on iphone).

5) Other helpful apps to help control screen time include Ublock Origin, InboxWhenReady, Disney’s Circle/ Qustodio (for parental monitors and controls), and Facebook Newsfeed Eradicator.

Can You Get Someone To Change Their Behavior Without Sabotaging Your Relationship?

Giving useful, helpful, and adequate feedback is something that is hard for a lot of people. I constantly witness parents, spouses, friends, family members, and even mental health professionals try to change the person they care about by blame, shame, and humiliation. While negative feelings have important functions and can motivate people to change their behavior, lack of useful feedback can have the opposite effect. For sensitive people who struggle with self-destructive behaviors, internalized shame, self-consciousness, and obsessive self-defeating thoughts, the consequences can be devastating. Here is a list of what not to do, and some food for thought about what to do instead: 

Tell them it is their fault: Getting someone to take responsibly for their actions makes sense. However, telling someone they are at fault is generally not followed up on by some plan of action, support, or help to prevent problematic behavior happening in the future. Generally, telling someone they are at fault does nothing more than make them feel bad. It makes more sense to be able to describe what specific behavior they did and the consequences it had in a non-judgmental manner. Is the goal the help prevent them from doing it in the future? If so, what is your role in this interaction? What are your intentions in blaming someone? Often, saying a person is at fault is simply a way to express anger, and expressing anger too intensely can sometimes destroy relationships. 

Tell them they are mentally ill: If you are trying to write someone off for behavior that you don’t understand well, this is an easy way out. Telling someone they are “mentally ill” can sometimes get people off the hook for providing more specific feedback or expressing anxiety more directly. What specific behavior are you talking about? Is there something in particular you want them to change? Do you have trouble describing their behavior? If people are treated with respect, they generally respond proactively. Mental illness can sometimes be a nebulous term for behavior that is not fitting or appropriate to the situation, and can also be a way to say “I am not comfortable with what you are doing.” However, being ganged up on, being misunderstood, and being shamed only ostracizes the recipient. Is calling someone mentally ill a way to express fear of what you can’t understand? Consider what it is about their behavior specifically that makes you uncomfortable, and see if you can use words to describe it without judgment. 

Tell them that they do things for attention: An attentive, listening audience can be a powerful thing. Just ask anyone who has benefitted from a caring partner, a best friend, or a loving family member! I love it when I receive the type of attention I want, and the type of attention I need. It makes me feel closer, more connected, and warmer towards the people I care about. There is no need to pathologize what is completely normal, and to make people feel bad for social inclusion, affection, and control. If there is a behavior that they actually do that burns you out, overwhelms you, or angers you; it may be time to own your frustration and know and communicate your limits. It may also be an opportunity to provide some feedback on what isn’t working in your relationship, or to clarify what it is you actually need for them to do or change. 

Tell them they have a personality disorder: Describing a disorder doesn’t change a behavior. People often think that if they could only describe something, somehow it will change! Telling someone the reason they behavior x way is because they have personality disorder generally just make them feel bad, and in some cases hopeless to do anything about it. If you want to hold someone accountable, you will have to develop better ways of giving feedback. A more thoughtful approach to changing behavior includes a compassionate and realistic plan to address it. 

Tell them they are a bad (parent, teacher, spouse, child, etc.): In essence, bad is a judgment. Trying replacing “bad” with descriptions of impact, consequences, and feelings about what happens when they behave the way they do. What is it about their behavior is “bad”, and why is it so important to bring to their attention? Are you avoiding expressing your own difficult feelings by judging others? 

In general, people are more willing to do what we want them to do when we have a strong relationship with them, when the feedback we provide comes from a place of caring, and when we validate and encourage others. A person is more likely to take feedback into consideration when they feel valued and cared about. Are there ways you can encourage or enhance the relationship? Focusing on behaviors that you want to increase (such as connection, openness, courage, self-awareness) will probably go a lot further than punitive responses coming out of frustration or anger. While constructive feedback is sometimes called for, aversive consequences manage to prevent problem behavior, and limits around what a person can tolerate is reasonable; punitive responses can also damage relationships.  

Boston Area Depressed/ Anxious Adolescents: Why Should My Teenager Be In Group?

Teens face many developmental challenges throughout high school. Some of them are normative and stressful, and some of them become bigger than life overnight. Peer relationships can be life or death in terms of social isolation. Teens want to rely less on adults as they become more independent, but sometimes they get in over their heads.

Teens can be fine one moment and in crisis the next. Getting rejected on social media or having a shift in the friendship circle can imminently impact one’s desire and willingness to go to school and focus on schoolwork. Sometimes teens are fine.

And then, suddenly, they are not.

Ongoing group therapy presents a kind of “soft contact” where there are multiple prompts to talk about what is hard to talk about, rehearse ways of dealing with anxiety, and address “the thing” before it becomes a bigger “thing.” Some kids have a way of holding stress within, putting on a mask, and pretending things don’t bother them. Sometimes it is easier to dismiss how isolated one feels than to make a “big deal” out of something that shouldn’t be “all that bad.” One can spend a lot of energy trying to convince oneself that they are “okay” when really, they are not.

Ongoing group provides consistently, familiarity, and a stable peer cohort. If conflicts arise within their school, they can take it outside of school and gather advice about how to address it. Teens that tend to take on everyone else’s problems can be encouraged to consider their own needs, set limits, identify what they can and can not do, figure out their feelings, and communicate more clearly. They can learn to tolerate emotional discomfort more readily, be more prepared when conflicts come up, and stay in conversations that may bring up a lot of emotion. Being socially connected means hanging in there when things are hard- and sometimes being willing to give and receive feedback.

Being in an ongoing peer group creates opportunities for intimacy, growth, open sharing, and a way to hang in there together with people who are really struggling. It means learning how to address the awkward pause after an embarrassing moment, a tearful outburst, a shameful incident, or an expression of pain. It also means having some help for when someone just simply doesn’t know what to say or do.

In general, people tend to share more personal information with people who are familiar, available, and near- and whom they see regularly. When teens are having “a thing” that may “not be a thing” or “may become a thing”, and there is no consistent person to open up to, the “thing” that was “not a thing” can suddenly become a crisis. Teens are on the brink of engaging in risky behavior, relying more on peers and less on parents, and wanting to be independent. Telling mom or dad may seem childish and immature; yet teens need to do things that keep them safe.

Group is different than individual therapy because there are multiple perspectives in the room, peers can “get it” in ways that adults don’t always pay attention to, and there are lots of resources for help, feedback, and validation. Sometimes kids who are shy, self-conscious, and sensitive are missing out on real life connections- and this can keep kids isolated, ashamed, and lonely. While talking to an adult one one may be a source of comfort and relief, ongoing group therapy offers an entirely different context for problem solving and addressing anxiety.

For more information on teen groups, click here.

Why Isn’t My Teenager Honest With Me?

One of the problems teens struggle with is honesty. And it’s not only honesty with one’s parents or authority, but honesty with oneself.

Part of psychological distress comes from hiding the more difficult and disturbing aspects of experience from oneself. While this can sometimes be adaptive, it can become problematic when it comes to drinking, sexting, drug use, teen pregnancy, domestic violence, and other situations teens can sometimes get themselves into.

Being honest about a situation means admitting it is actually happening, admitting it is real, admitting the distress is real, and addressing potential consequences. Not admitting it is real, not asking for help, and not coping with the situation can lead to even more problematic consequences. Addressing something openly- while often difficult- can lead to prevention of further problems.

Admitting to the reality of a situation also may involve admitting to one’s role or part in the situation. Teens can sometimes not be honest because they have a fear of getting into trouble or a fear that it will escalate an intense reaction in the person they tell. They would rather avoid the short-term pain of intense reactions than the long-term problems of the situation. And teenagers are often not thinking about long- term consequences! The double bind is to deal with it all alone. A teenager who is all about gaining independence and relying less on one’s parents may believe that secret keeping is the only way to gain privacy and independence.

If you are a parent and want to increase you teen’s ability to confide in you, consider the following:

What are you doing to invite conversations about difficult topics, and what are you doing to punish conversations about difficult topics?

Are there topics or themes in your own life that are “off topic”? Are there conversations that would be too emotional for you to handle if someone were to ask?

Is the short-term anxiety of “not knowing” something worth avoiding based on the long-term consequences of not having a conversation at all?

What types of things do you “hide” from yourself because if you admitted they were true, you’d have to face the consequences?

If you were being completely honest with yourself, what situations would you have to confront?

What types of things did you keep from your parent/s when you were a teen, and what do you wish could have been different?

Being open about emotionally “forbidden” topics will help create an environment where openness is encouraged. Being more and more comfortable with intense emotions, painful life situations, and one’s own ghosts will help you develop deeper relationships. Avoiding painful life situations can sometimes create more psychological distress than seeing what is in front of you, admitting it exists, and taking steps to address it.

How To Get Yourself To Class: Boston College Students Quick Reference Guide To Not Falling Apart The First Semester

Going to college is a big change that generally involves a brand new environment in an unfamiliar city. In general, making a big move involves figuring out living accommodations, new roommates, scheduling demands, and independence. For some the transition is overwhelming and can result in avoidance, missing classes, staying in one’s dorm, an increase in alcohol use, panic attacks, an inconsistent sleep schedule, and erratic eating habits.

Here are a few tips to help college students make the transition.

  • Make sure you are familiar with the campus. Try to find out the location of everything before you go to your first class. Find your classrooms, know how long it takes to get to different buildings, and if you can, spend a little bit of time in the buildings before your first classes. Unfamiliar situations cause more stress than familiar situations, and getting lost in new crowds in unfamiliar territory can be cause for anxiety. Don’t assume that you will just figure it all out when you get there.
  •  If you are a student who has struggled with depression or anxiety in the past, try to find the college counseling centering and see if you can set up a “check-in” session a week or two after school starts. Not having any plans to ask or get help can make everything worse. Identify your stressors and know what situations will make you likely get into a crisis. If you know any of the college counseling staff, it will be easier to reach out to them when you need them. Counseling centers can help with stress, overwhelm, demanding schedules, irritating roommates, and organization. They usually have an agenda to service as many students as they can accommodate in a given school year.
  • Try to initiate social connections as much as possible. The more people you know personally, the less stressful it will be to go to class. Try finding people who are by themselves or alone. Consider starting conversations that invite people to talk about their stress: “Are you as overwhelmed by this as I am? Are you feeling a bit lost? Because this whole college transition is a lot to take in.” Sometimes it feels good just to be able to acknowledge stress with someone else, even if you think the stress seems small or insignificant. Try to find things that you relate to and that are similar to you. Ask other students how they found and chose this college, if they’ve thought about a major, if it was hard for them to leave home, how they are finding their way around campus, what would make their college experience a positive experience, and what they are doing to help them deal with the transition. They may have some good ideas for you.
  • If you are overwhelmed by your classes and have the urge not to go, consider all the steps that it takes to get to class. If the first step is getting out of bed and brushing your teeth, do the first step. Getting out of bed and brushing your teeth is not a commitment to attend class. After you brush your teeth see if you can make another small commitment, such as getting your books together or getting dressed. Each small commitment can bring you closer to class. If you actually get all the way to the building and end up skipping class, you will at least have gone through the motions of getting yourself around campus. Moving around on campus dressed for class is better than spending the day in bed avoiding everything. Consider the short and long term cost of what you’d have to tolerate to make it through one class, and assess what you would be willing to do. Going to one class doesn’t mean going to all of them. Go to classes you enjoy and see if you can talk to an advisor about cutting back on classes that are too much. Don’t wait until you are failing. Remember that once you start avoiding one class, it will get easier and easier not to go. Don’t let yourself get into that pattern. Avoiding this problem can increase the stress, whereas admitting it is too much and dropping the class is a more proactive way to accept what is too much for you at this time. It doesn’t mean you are a failure and doesn’t mean you can’t take it another time.
  • Plan down time that is not related to school. Because school can be overwhelming, it is important to press the “pause” button by taking “time outs.” This may include a nature walk, a spiritual activity, meditation, exercise, yoga, prayer, a nap. It might also be helpful to plan a time to talk on the phone with parents, friends, or family that know you. Periodic and planned check-ins can provide a sense of stability and relief. College students sometimes underestimate their needs for leisure time and overestimate how much they can accomplish. This inevitably causes stress. Being an adult also means being able to take care of your time and your body.
  • Take care of the basics: Are you finding yourself consuming more sugar, alcohol, marijuana, or caffeine? Sometimes college is a time where you test the limits of your body as you no longer have a family time schedule to stay on track. Insufficient sleep, erratic eating, over-dependence on substances, and having too many commitments often contribute to stress. Panic attacks alone might be reduced by attending to your biological limits (eating more consistently, getting more sleep).
  • Don’t let panic attacks go untreated, because they are treatable. Panic attacks don’t go away by suppressing emotions, drowning them in alcohol, and ignoring what they may be trying to tell you. Panic attacks are often very intense experiences that include hyperventilating, shaking, racing heart, a feeling that you might pass out or die, and feeling like you can’t breathe. They can be extremely debilitating and scary if you’ve never had one. Often they are a red flag to pay attention to something that is causing you distress- more often than not, something that is easier to ignore. Panic attacks can be hard to explain or understand; don’t be afraid to ask for help. Find out what services are available at the college help center your school and use them.

 

Should I Get Back On The Horse? Two Ways To Approach Your Fear That Won’t Work.

If you get thrown off a horse, should you get back on? Some people will suggest that you need to get back on the horse immediately so that you will gain mastery over your fears. If you don’t get back on the horse, then your fear will haunt you the rest of your life.

Is this really true? Here are some ways of approaching fear that isn’t very effective. The first is to fight your fears or treat the situation like a battle zone. It means taking the reins, having control of the situation, bucking up, grinning and bearing it, tightening your muscles, and powering through. It can be coercive and forceful. In some cases it means blinding yourself, dissociating or disconnecting from the fear, or minimizing or reducing the value of what your fear might be trying to tell you. Generally it is doing the thing that you are afraid of as a way to prove yourself or prove your point.

The reason this doesn’t work is because it often means engaging in life as if it is a battle. Staying in the battle field often means getting hurt, risking relationships with others, being coercive, or putting the other on the defensive. Getting back on a high strung or agitated horse to gain mastery over fears is not an effective way to manage fear.

The other ineffective way of handling fear is to completely avoid anything associated with the fear. This means that any mention of the feared object or situation is avoided. Conversations stop, people stop making eye contact, the air becomes stilted and stale, people avoid people, and people avoid a wide range of stimuli that becomes associated with the feared situation. The person may be humiliated that they gone thrown off a horse, so they go out of their way to hide it. While people lead perfectly fulfilled lives without riding horses, the person who can’t drive past a barn, watch a television show with a horse on it, have a conversation about what happened when they were thrown off a horse, or set foot on a farm may find themselves restricted in ways that have nothing to do with riding the horse itself.

Handling fear effectively means being able to approach the situation with a flexible style that involves both challenging oneself, listening to the validity of the fear, being kind to oneself, backing off when things are too overwhelming, identifying smaller steps to approach the fear, and figuring out why the situation/ issue/ activity is important to you.

Fear is a useful emotion in that it provides information about oneself and one’s situation. Fear protects us from danger, gets us out of threatening situations, and helps us cope adaptively. Fear can also be so extreme that it takes over our lives, restricts our ability to do the things that are important to us, or prevents us from having a life- the life we want.

Here are a few questions to help you figure out your fear:

  • What about the situation, event, activity, or relationship is important to you? You may decide not to ride horses ever again, but does this fear bleed over into other areas of life that prevent you from doing what matters? If riding horses is not important to you, and it doesn’t get in the way of your life otherwise, it may not be an issue.
  • What does your experience- and your fear- tell you? Your fear may be telling you that getting back on an agitated horse is indeed a bad idea. So don’t go out and get hurt if it isn’t necessary. If horses aren’t your thing, let it go and move on. Don’t let your humiliation keep you attacking something that isn’t going to service you.
  • If you want to approach your fears, what would be the smallest step? Watching a TV show about horses, visiting a barn, feeding a horse, brushing a horse, walking a horse, and hanging out with horses are all behaviors that don’t include absolute avoidance but don’t force you into a situation that is potentially unsafe. You could also ride a smaller, more mellow horse with the help of a trainer.
  • If you are going to do the smaller steps, don’t white knuckle it. Relax your facial muscles, soften your jaw, breath slowly/ deeply/ evenly, maintain an open body posture, and take in the situation fully. If this feels threatening, do a smaller step- or limit the time you spend doing the activity. For instance, you could watch a TV show about horses for one minute, five minutes, or fifteen minutes. If this doesn’t challenge you, up the ante by going out to a barn. Find your middle ground, back off when you are overwhelmed, give yourself credit for your efforts, treat yourself kindly, and challenge yourself at some point in the future when you are in a better place.