Anxiety gets the best of us when times are uncertain and outcomes are unknown. Waiting for a change in leadership, a medical diagnosis, a child to return home at night, people getting back to us in a timely manner, a decision about employment, funding or housing, finding out what’s happening are among the many things that people are worried about in general. Some people have significant anxiety in new, novel, or unfamiliar situations; around doctors offices, crowds, or people they don’t know. Some people worry about their health, longevity, future, livelihood, losses in functioning or capabilities, or the security, protection, and well being of family members.
People usually cope better when they have a clear answer as to when the stress and restrictions will end; as they can predict and control how long they will have to tolerate what may not feel tolerable. The not knowing is the challenge.
Sitting with uncertainty is often a major part of adaptive coping. Often when people feel out of control they behave in ways that produce an illusion of having more control, including trying to be more controlling themselves. Anxiety behavior tends to be restricting, rigid, and inflexible. Some pick fights with people they love. Some try to micro-manage the people around them. Some yell, lash out, or escalate. Some people withdraw, sleep, or restrict their interactions with others. Some stop reaching out to friends or people they love. Some avoid getting things done or move forward. Some drink alcohol or use marijuana in excess. Others cope by antagonism or rebellion, externalizing blame to authority figures who others who don’t have control either. After all, who gets to decide who gets cancer and who does not?
Sometimes with anxiety, there is no immediate solution or quick fix. No one knows what will happen. And no one can cheat death. But how, if there was an ideal way to survive or cope, do we get through this? Aren’t there people who do better with uncertainty, have successful relationships, are well loved and cared for, and who have a better chance at surviving painful life situations than others?
Here are some things to keep in mind in the era of uncertainty:
Anxiety behaviors are not a way to obtain certainty. People often have their own “personal fix” of what they do when they are stressed. Some of this has some sense of normalcy and is not harmful, such as sleeping a bit more or eating more chocolate. However, some anxiety behaviors have hurtful outcomes. What is your anxiety behavior when stressed, and does it actually control the outcome of when things will “end”?
Be willing to accept the discomfort of uncertainty. Find the ways in which people are coping well and see what you can do to manage stress and anxiety without making it worse. Reach out and ask what other people are doing with stress, medical conditions, losses or changes, work-life transitions, and other related stressors. Find the news, heroes, and people who have survived great life challenges well. Once you accept what you can not control, your anxiety may not disappear but it will go down. Trying to control what you can not control makes it worse.
Keep in mind your values. What is important to and who is important to you and why? What does this tell you about your spiritual values, who/ what to trust, and who you rely on when you are having a hard time? A willingness to yield control often means finding more trust in community. People are rediscovering lost values as limits are being placed on them, and finding new ways and means of connecting to family and loved ones. Keep asking and looking people for the silver lining, the unseen benefit, or the ways that people are enhancing their sense of connection.
Do your part. If you have something to offer at this time, consider the benefit or value of what you can do for others. Often contributing is a way to distract from our own anxiety and involves universal benefit. Donate to a food drive, reach out to neighbors, do errands for someone who is house bound, pick up trash in a nearby park or bike path, give blood, cook or bake for family members, repair something that is broken, join a neighborhood volunteer task force, or start a social community of your own. What if everyone who was suffering was focused on making the world a better place for others?