Tag: Thanksgiving

7 Tips for handling stressful holiday interactions:

Try to plan your interactions or the time you spend with family in such a way that you can take “breaks” from emotional intensity.  This can include limiting or structuring the time you spend together, planning for short periods apart (ie, going for a walk), suggesting that you need a few minutes to clear your head, or keeping some things routine. Long periods of unstructured time can invite boredom or agitation.

Consider: “My family member is doing the best they can right now.” Instead of thinking “Seriously? That’s all they can DO?” Think of them as limited, finite human beings. Instead of doing this in a condescending way, try a stance of gentle acceptance. We are all bound to be disappointed in people we care about and sometimes it is just hard to deal with.

Appreciations: Try focusing on one thing about each family member that you like, respect, honor, or value. Make it a point to tell this to each family member. Sometimes when people hear what they are doing well they are less likely to generate conflict

If you exit, do it with grace. Don’t add insult to injury, make things worse, or behave in a way in which you would lose your own self-respect. If you can’t do anything to make it better, don’t rub salt in old wounds.  Try to plan ahead how you would cope adaptively if the “worst case scenario” were to happen.

If you are a person who focuses on controlling everything, pick one thing ahead of time that you are not going to try to control. Practice letting go, accepting what is, and acknowledging it openly. No critical comments allowed. 

If loss is a theme for you this holiday, do something special to honor the person in your life who is missing. Talking about what this person meant to you, how much you cared for him/her, or how you spent time together might help. Sometimes family members need to be invited to honor their sadness because they are so busy avoiding it. If no one is there to honor your own sadness with you, see if you can find a way to honor sadness within yourself.

Ways of being together as a family: Topics for everyone to share: Talk about a highlight of the week, a favored memory of a family event, a recent accomplishment, something they did this year to increase their quality of life, what each of you wants 5 years from now, or wishes that each family member has for each other.

An exercise in mindfulness: Thanksgiving turkeys

In my groups, we spend time at the beginning doing some sort of exercise to slow down, pay attention, come into the room, and notice what is going on.  Some of these exercises are specifically directed at paying attention to the breath. When breathing is slowed, paced, and regulated, a person has a better tendency to think clearer and become organized. Using the breath to regulate emotion, attention, and physical arousal is a very critical skill that frequently gets forgotten about in the heat of the moment- especially a very emotional moment.

Breathing exercises can sometimes be difficult. If you were to spend five minutes trying to focus just on your breath, you may notice spacing out, thinking about other things, and generally not paying much attention to the physical aspects of your breath. Therefore, breathing exercises may sometimes be paired with counting, walking, or other more concrete methods to help you get in touch- and stay in touch- with your breath.

Here is an exercise that is a tangible way of following the breath– and can easily be taught to young children as a way to self-regulate. Place your hand on a piece of paper and trace around it. Every time you move up to the tip of a finger, inhale. Every time you move down to the crevice between your fingers, exhale. Try to work on slowing down your breath so that it is even and steady. When you are done, start over. Keep Mindful Turkeygoing until you notice feeling calmer, slower, steadier, and perhaps more connected. Be gentle and notice any frustration if it doesn’t “work” right away.

One way to do this exercise is to keep tracing and re-tracing back your hand on one piece of paper. Another way to do this exercise is to not use paper and pen at all, but to trace your fingers with your other hand. This method can be used when you are out and about, in a meeting, or (depending on subtly it’s done) even talking to other people.

However, if you trace a new outline on new paper each time, you can start to accumulate several pieces of paper. If you’d like to add a beak and draw in some feathers on your “hands”, you can start to ask yourself: How many turkeys does it take to get calmed down? If you get really good and regulating your emotions by regulating your breath, you may find that over time the number of turkeys it takes will eventually go down.