Tag: limits

Have you been told to change your “bad mood”?

Here are some steps to figuring out your mood- and what to do if, indeed, you want to change it.

Our moods- or our feelings- can be extremely important in helping us understand ourselves, organize our behavior, know what matters, and have better relationships. One of the first steps to figuring out feelings is to be able to describe, understand, and put words on experience. Think beyond just being in a “bad mood”: Try figuring out what, exactly, you are feeling. Instead of thinking about your mood as bad or good, try approaching this task with curiosity. Are you down, flat, depressed, lethargic, or disinterested? Are you irritable, angry, frustrated or impatient? Are you struggling with loss or sadness? Remember that feelings give us information about ourselves, our situations, and the people around us.

Next, consider what is valid, relevant, and sensible about what you are feeling. Some reasons that others tell us to stop being in a “bad mood” is because they want us to behave a certain way. Consider this: If the person telling you to stop being in a “bad mood” got what they wanted, what specific action would that entail? If you stopped being in a “bad mood”, would you stop avoiding conflict, go to work, keep a relationship, participate fully in an activity, or attend a social event or function? We may know and understand our mood, and have a good reason to feel the way we feel, but our mood gets in the way of rising to the occasion and meeting an obligation.

Expressing negative feelings frequently or pervasively can hurt relationships; on the other hand never being to share our innermost pain can prevent us from having more meaningful and connected relationships. In other words, ranting, venting, or complaining can join people in their beef against the universe, while expressing vulnerability can increase caring and intimacy. Consider how acting or expressing how you feel works or doesn’t work for you. Does it bring you closer to the people you care about, or does it tend to push them away?

Next, consider if you want to change how you feel. Is someone else trying to get you to change how you feel? If so, trying to change how you feel can be much less effective.

One way to change how you feel is to act in ways that are incompatible with how you feel. In some situations, acting on how we feel can enable us to feel congruent and genuine with what is going on for us on a more personal level. However, sometimes moods are so pervasive that they interfere with our lives. If your “mood” is interfering with your ability to organize action, meet obligations, make deeper connections with others, keep relationships, or engage in meaningful activity, it might be time to experiment with alternative behaviors to shift gears, engage your brain differently, or do something you wouldn’t typically do.

Here are some suggestions: Express appreciations to other people, talk about what you value in the relationships you have, avoid “complaining”, practice not talking about anything negative, shift gears by doing an activity that demands your attention, shift gears by doing a something physical (washing dishes, raking leaves, taking care of a child), become invested in someone else’s problem or dilemma, try generating compassionate reasons for why people behave the way they do, soften your body and facial expression, wish other people well, do something that challenges you, do an activity you like or enjoy, or do an activity for someone else that they like or enjoy. Doing these things even if you don’t feel like it– may help you change your mood all by yourself.

How to change the behavior of someone you care about deeply

First, acknowledge what you cannot control. When others do things that are destructive, hurtful, irritating, annoying, or have painful consequences, the acknowledgement itself is simply a way in which you are looking and seeing what is actually going on. Not wanting something to be true, ignoring the fact that it is happening, attacking the person for the behavior, and making threats often reflects an inability to accept and acknowledge what is there. Often people don’t want to accept reality because it means something very painful. The acceptance of what is and the acknowledgement of what you cannot control can lessen the drama around the fight. It can also get people unstuck from repetitive impasses. However, it often means grieving what has been lost.

Next, do something for the relationship itself. Having a strong relationship will make you much more powerful and influential than having a rocky or weak relationship. One way to do this is to focus on what you appreciate, value, or like about the other person. Make it a point to express this directly. Another way to do this is to create time together in which you actively listen to what the other person has to say. Don’t interrupt or disagree- instead, just see if you can focus on understanding how they see things. Pay attention carefully to thoughts, experiences, feelings, and opinions. See if you acknowledge how they see things- even if you don’t see them that way. You may want to simply reflect and summarize what they are saying, and use statements like “If I understand you correctly…” Try to be gentle, warm, and receptive. Temporarily suspend efforts to fix or control their behavior.

Finally- if you desperately want them to stop doing something that is hurtful- focus on naturally occurring consequences of their behavior. When you try to control or change someone’s behaviors by threatening, being coercive, or being cold and withholding, it could really damage the relationship. Be direct in expressing your own feelings and reactions about their behavior- without making threats. You will be more powerful and influential when the relationship is strong, spending time with the person is a pleasant experience, and you are liked. Therefore, treat the other person as capable of choosing. Treat them as an equal. When they are fully aware of the realistic, natural, unwanted and painful consequences of their actions, their options for choosing increase. Consider your role as an ally who helps them think through their actions. There will be a big difference between (you) trying to control the outcome through threat or coercion vs. (them) having to face what they are doing and figure out what they want to do about it.

Repeat the steps. Sometimes you will be able to accept and sometimes you will not. Practice acknowledgment of what you cannot control over and over again. Build the relationship. You don’t have to ignore to deny what they are doing. You just have to have a way to address it in such a way that your voice matters, you don’t lose your own self-respect, and you don’t lose sight of what is important.

To say something or to say nothing: That is the question

Sometimes not speaking up leads to increased anxiety, agitation, helplessness, or feeling taken for granted. Sometimes it leads to feeling hopeless and overwhelmed.

Sometimes the experience of being “upset” is an indication to pay attention, take notice, and to take action. Sometimes self-defeating or problematic behaviors exist to communicate to oneself that something needs to change.

Sometimes, when upset, people will rant and rave about the problem to anyone who will listen, but they will avoid expressing anger directly towards the person with whom they are upset.

Here are a few things to remember:

If nothing is done to change a problem or situation, there is no good reason for it to change. In other words, not speaking out will not change problems.

There is a benefit to being able to tolerate some degree of tension in a relationship. It may be that you will put the information out there and the other party will not like it, will not tolerate well, will have reasons to dislike you because of it, or will punish you for making it explicit. Sometimes, if you put the information out there, it will be up to the other person to decide what to do with it. It is possible that they will have difficulty getting their mind around the information.

If you are thinking of speaking up about something that has been bothering you, how would you do it in such a way that you feel good about yourself? How would you address it without losing your self-respect?  Consider planning what you would say- then rehearse saying it with an emotional intensity that matches the message.

PS. (More information on matching emotional intensity to the message is available in the 7 steps for sailing through emotional storms- just join my mailing list!).

Too needy? Too dependent? Too clingy?

When we desire or want things that other people aren’t able to give us, one option is to blame ourselves for wanting or desiring it in the first place. This can be especially true for people who feel misunderstood or unacknowledged.

When we blame ourselves for wanting or needing something from someone else, we not only fail to solve any problems- but also feel worse for being in this situation in the first place. Sometimes people believe that by determining fault they’ve actually solved a problem! The field of psychotherapy confuses this issue even further by using condescending labels like narcissistic and entitled, and implies that it is simply bad to want or need things in the first place.

If you have been in the business recently of sitting around, feeling bad, and blaming yourself for desiring something from another, here are a few things to consider that might help your relationships go more smoothly:

1) Are you clear about what it is you want in the relationship that you aren’t getting? Consider the intensity behind your request and the urgency of how you come across. Is there any particular pain involved that you are trying to avoid feeling, don’t want to accept, or don’t think you will be able to tolerate if the person can’t accommodate you? Sometimes urgency and intensity is increased when we don’t want to grieve, acknowledge our own loss regarding the relationship, or move on.

2) Consider that no one relationship can placate or accommodate all demands for affection equally. Intense and intimate relationships need periodic breaks. Is there a way in which your relationships complement different areas of need for you? Is there a way in which your need for affection, acknowledgement, or understanding can happen with more than one person?

3) Consider the diversity in which people in your life express caring, show appreciation, or give their support. See if there is a way you can focus on acknowledging this, and be willing to let go of focusing on what the person isn’t giving you.

4) Bear in mind that all people need and want things from other people: The ones who don’t get called narcissistic or entitled simply have ways of getting it effectively. One way of being effective is being able to read and interpret interpersonal cues accurately. If you know when to back off- and you are good at gaging what other people can tolerate- you will be easier to get along with and better liked. Forcing a square peg through a round hole in any relationship can hurt or even destroy the relationship.

5) Not having affection, acknowledgement, validation, or understanding now doesn’t mean that you will never have it or no one will ever give it. It may mean that you have to search around for it, you need to find it in other relationships- and you may have to tolerate the emotional pain of not having it right now.

Should you change your behavior or change your beliefs? A closer look at self-compassion.

Social psychology research indicates that it is easier to change behavior than it is to change attitudes or beliefs. Part of what characterizes third wave behavior therapies (such as DBT) is behavioral activation. In other words, there is a focus on changing behavior over changing attitudes.

Here is one of the most predominant ways this shows up in DBT: A client with extreme self-hatred or self-blame won’t do things that are nurturing, caring, or compassionate towards oneself. The argument goes something like this: “I don’t deserve, I would feel guilty, I have to take care of everyone else, it’s always my fault anyway, I deserve to be punished…” It is easy for others to follow up with this argument by challenging, cajoling, or even opposing the argument. “Why do you think this way, of course you deserve, you can’t cater to the whole world, stop talking that way…” The dialogue of I don’t deserve/ yes you do deserve can become rather exhausting. If you’ve ever participated in one of these conversations, you could probably relate.

Part of the skill set for tolerating distress has to do with treating oneself with compassion. More specifically, engaging in behaviors that are self-soothing, calming, respectful of sadness, and a soft acknowledgement of the rough and painful aspects of life generally help people through the rough times. People who don’t do enough of this and treat themselves harshly are going to have an even harder time getting through the roadblocks of life. Self-attacking just isn’t a very effective way of solving problems.

If you are extremely miserable and you would like to feel better you may have to change your behavior despite whatever argument is going on in your head. If you could do something to make your current distress more tolerable, why wouldn’t you do it? If you could treat yourself with kindness and compassion, be understanding, and acknowledge your deepest fears and hurts- at least to yourself- why wouldn’t you? If this made your life easier, more livable, and more hopeful- why wouldn’t you do it? Arguing about deserve-ability certainly isn’t doing anything for you.

In order to feel differently you have to act and behave as if self-compassion and kindness matters. You may have to tolerate some guilt, set some limits on your time, or even say no to the demands of others. The point is that you should get started on acting and behaving in ways that are worthy or deserving of you. Over time, your attitudes may change right along with your behavior. And in addition to feeling better because you are behaving as if you have more self-respect, you will have more resources for coping when other people put you in demeaning situations, take advantage or you, or assume that you are willing to be treated poorly.

How do you know when to say no?

In DBT, the concept of observing limits has to do with options for how much you want to extend yourself in relationships. In other words, how much of your time, energy, or frustration are you willing to invest in other people? To what extent can you give people other things, do things you don’t want to do in order to keep a relationship, or balance the demands on your time?

The important thing is that limits vary from person to person. Some people will bend over backwards to keep relationships or go the extra mile, while others may be more protective of their time, happy with independence, and more inclined to say no. Both of the above examples have pros/cons associated with them. For instance, extending oneself frequently may result in feeling taken advantage of, while too much independence may result in loneliness.

Sometimes extending limits makes sense because it shows how much you care. Sometimes saying no and risking the consequences of another person’s unhappiness helps you avoid biting off more than you can chew. Sometimes saying no gives you the time you need to stay healthy. Sometimes saying no forces other people to be more proactive. Limits change according to situations, people, and contexts. There is no set or fixed rule for determining what your limits should be.

Ultimately, you are the one who has to live with the consequences and frustrations of over-extended limits. You may want to take some time this week to figure out what your limits are, what gets in the way of maintaining limits, and the cost/benefit ratio of extending them.