Consider the difference between anger and hate. Anger is an emotion that functions to advocate, prevent further hurt, change a situation for the better, not be a doormat, get out of harm’s way, and help people not to stay in situations in which they are taken for granted. Anger is a necessary emotion to help people survive stressful life situations. If people did not have anger they would be helpless, get taken advantage of, and stay in unfortunate circumstances that could be changed for the better.
Since emotions exist to help people solve problems, your teen may be trying to communicate (however ineffectively) something to you. Sometimes anger is so intense that the actual feedback is actually lost, is not spelled out clearly, or does not make sense. Like any other emotion, emotions come and go, can be more or less intense, and are not permanent facts. Emotions arise out of specific circumstances. And strong emotions can actually interfere with problem solving.
Consider how you express yourself when you are feeling hurt, taken advantage of, or are infuriated. Do you have an effective means of giving feedback, speaking up, or advocating for yourself? How is anger and feedback modeled in your family? Do you tend to give up or avoid people who express their anger with you? Pick fights or draw out arguments? Become irritable or hostile towards those around you? Perseverate on the hurt?
Consider the difference between emotional pain and emotional expression/ actions. Feeling hurt, let down, disappointed is part of what comes along with life. Fighting reality, pushing limits, testing what they can get away, and taking risks are all things that teenagers do. They are working towards the important task of adulting; increasing their independence, blowing off their parents, and finding out if the values they were raised with really work for them. Poking holes in the universe, if you will.
Being in emotional pain is one thing, how a person acts when upset or distressed is another. The behavior of “hating” may include things like antagonism, blaming, shaming, verbally attacking, ranting, or bringing up everything they “hate” about you. This behavior is probably not actually effective in making changes, asking for what is needed, clarifying requests, or giving feedback. It is possible that rage is too intense for your teen to develop the necessary skills for handling disappointment, keeping and maintaining relationships, advocating, and negotiating.
Do you give in to the demands of your teenager once the verbal attacks begin? The principles of reinforcement are this: The closer and time and space a consequence (giving in) is to the behavior (attacking) increases the probability that it will occur again. If the only means that your teen has of getting what he/she/they wants, the verbal attacks will be more likely to occur in the future. If you can withstand the anger and steer the course, stay on task, and not become reactive yourself, you will be the one in the driver’s seat. Tolerating intensity without taking the bait is a skill.
Consider reframing and validating your teen’s perspective (of course you want to stay out late and be with your friends) but maintaining your limits when it comes to having parameters (I know that when you stay out late your sleep and focus suffers). You can validate an emotion (anger, disappointment) without validating a behavior (verbal attacks, disparaging comments). You can also shape your teen to be more skillful when confronted with reality or asking for changes to be made.
Finally, is what you are asking of your teenager realistic? There is no manual for parenting, and sometimes a teen with strong emotions can take us off guard. Are you the one being extreme? Consider if there is any feedback coming your way that is useful, even if it is hard to hear. Sometimes if verbal attacks are frequent and hard, we shut down our ability to see things from other points of view. Getting your teen to be more open/ direct/ realistic can also be part of your willingness to work on being effective. What is going to work in this situation?
To sign up for Parenting The Emotionally Extreme Teen parent class this fall please contact me.